Sorrow
by TheWordPhoenix
Summary: Denki tries. He really does. But how can he be a hero when he can't even save himself?


SORROW- KAMINARI ANGST ONESHOT

_There's an unceasing wind that blows through this night  
And there's dust in my eyes, that blinds my sight  
And silence that speaks so much louder than words  
Of promises broken_

Denki lay on the ground, panting heavily, his eyes rolling up into his head. His body was shuddering, trembling, and his brain was hurting; a thousand pins and needles attacking his every surface. Dimly he heard the rest of the team let out a cheer, Todoroki barely fazed by the amount of ice he had pushed out, but Denki felt numb, his body broken and used. The sky was swimming in front of his eyes.

_Is this all I can do?_

No. No. He had to work harder. And so he staggered to his feet. The first time he had short-circuited, his family had freaked out. They had taught him after that, to let people know that he was okay. Even when he wasn't.

_Don't be a burden, Denki. Here, see, like this._

And so he forced his arms forward, forced them to contort into a horrible sort of sign. The thumbs-up was the simplest symbol.

_I'm okay I'm okay I'm "_Whey", his mouth gasped out and his classmates burst out laughing.

The green-haired girl was pretty cute, and she seemed really nice. Denki smiled. Although his electricity hurt him every time he tried to use it, he was sure of its potentness. He had experienced it first hand, after all.

Come on, Denki. You have to try. Prove yourself here, you made it this far didn't you? And so he charged himself with the yellow sparks, and then let it loose, feeling his muscles loosen as the electricity ran over his body like a hundred sharp daggers.

And moments later, as the thorns cut into his torso, Denki only felt the white fog threatening to submerge his mind.

"DUMB!" Somebody called. "Stupid!," said another.

_Don't cry, don't show weakness. Don't don't don't! __**But I am fucking stupid**_**, **a quieter part of his mind whispered.

Try, try, try.

"Dumbass Sparky."

_Dumb. Idiot. Stupid._

Was it normal, that Bakugou had managed to sum up his entire existence in two words? Denki choked back his sobs, and swallowed heavily, letting out a dry chuckle.

His throat felt ragged.

Was he really dumb? He knew he was because the others had found the theory exam easy. He had heard Midoriya exclaiming about it just the other day.

Denki had stayed up nights on end, shocking himself to FOCUS! FOCUS! Because his mind refused to listen to him, jumping from one thing to another like a hyperactive child. The words in front of him had blurred, as the electricity seeped out of him and into the flickering lamp. He had winced as his skin sizzled. And he had barely made it in.

Scraped in, according to the hologram the school had sent him. And Denki had been so very happy, because for once in his life, he had succeeded.

It was enough to make him forget the nights of pain, of the little scars that opened all over his body, only to heal again the next day. Enough to forget that one time he had shocked himself to truly forget.

And now it was all coming back.

"Watcha reading Kaminari?" Sero said, collapsing into the chair next to him. Denki looked up from his paperback.

"Just a book," he said, shrugging and turning back to it. Sero tilted his head and looked at the words on the cover.

"To Kill a Mockingbird," he read slowly and then burst out in laughter. "You trying to read English all of a sudden now?"

"Nah man, it's a great book, you should try it!" Denki said enthusiastically.

"Oh, really?" Sero said, barely hiding his grin. Denki stopped short.

"You don't believe me, do you?" he said, dejected.

"Dude, no offence, but you're kind of dumb," Sero said matter of factly. "You came last in class in the final exams. How does someone who reads huge ass English books score after Mina?"

Denki opened his mouth, and then faltered. He liked reading, no he loved reading, but whenever he sat down for any exams, all the concepts just muddled up in his head, words twirled off the paper. In a noisy class like this, or when he was listening to music, he could read just fine, but in the exam hall where the only other sound was the scratch of pens on paper, he just couldn't. It felt like something was terribly wrong.

"You're right," he heard himself say. His voice sounded tinny in his ears, and he felt his hand close the book on their own accord. "It was all a prank! Did I fool you?" He flashed Sero a smile.

Sero frowned, he saw something like confusion flit across his face, and then it was gone and all that was there was his wide grin. "Not really."

_Fucking freak. Your sister was better than you, and look at what you've done to her! Can't control your quirk, can't control your brain, and you make me buy all those books for you. Just be dumb, alright? Then I don't need to worry too much about you!_

"I guess I can't help it. After all, I am pretty dumb..."

He couldn't talk, apart from the sniffling sounds coming out from his mouth. Apart from the wheys. The villain seized him, chuckling.

"Give Kaminari back!" Jirou screamed, as her quirk tore apart the ground.

Denki felt the villain's grip tighten around him as the rest of 1 A rallied. "Give him back? Isn't he pretty useless? That's the downfall of you heroes! Always saving the worthless with no sight of the end goal. It annoys me."

_Break free, break free._

Ice spread across the ground, freezing the villain to the ground, as the rest of the class rushed him.

Todoroki walked forward, pulling Denki away. "He's out," the dual haired boy announced to the rest of the class. "It's not safe for him to be in the thick of battle right now."

_Useless._

Later, when they were all away from the battle, in the grey room, where nurses walked by with dripping sachets of fluids and rattling trays, where beeps emanated from every side, Denki tried to talk again.

It was so frustrating when all that came out from his mouth was drool.

He heard Tsuyu speak. "We were lucky that Kaminari was rescued from his whey mode, kero. Otherwise, we would all be in serious trouble."

Her brutal honesty was like a slap in the face. Denki tried, he really did. He widened his eyes desperately as they stung and grew moist. He tried to bring up his hand to wipe his eyes. Nothing worked, and the tears ran down his face.

"Beep. Beep. Beep." Denki startled awake, lines of electricity running down his skin, and pushed the blanket back.

Cold air brushed his skin as he ran an eye over the unassuming hospital room. What had happened? His memories felt foggy, full of bright lights and utterly futile. He heard a groan from the chair opposite him and saw a vibrant head of red hair rise, yawning.

"Kirishima."

"Oh, Kaminari. Are you alright?" Lines of worry crossed Kirishima's face, and he was biting his lip and fidgeting.

"What's the matter?"

"After the battle, you, well- you started crying. Are you okay?" Kirishima asked anxiously.

Denki's heart thumped against his ribs. _Crying_. The word was like a bullet. _Inexcusable. _"I-I..." _Dependent. Live or don't. _

_You're making people worry again, son. I told you last time, what I would do if that happened again, didn't I?_

A snap of leather.

"Denki! Denki," Kirishima gazed at him worriedly. "Are you fine? You phased out a bit there."

"I-I..." _Fucking speak up, you bastard of a son. Don't waste my time. _"I need to go," Denki said, flinging the blanket off of him and wrenching the needle out of his arm.

"Denki! Hey Kaminari!" He heard Kirishima's yells after him as he rushed through the halls.

Up a winding staircase, and then another. Finally, Denki crawled through a window and leapt onto the roof.

There, he allowed himself to break down, wrapping his arms around himself, and sobbing brokenly.

He always used to come up to the roof whenever it all got too much. Its solitude was unmatched.

"Useless, aren't I?" He asked the stars, that merely twinkled as a reply. "What have I ever done?"

His headache got worse, and he dug his head back into his knees, shivering. Everything felt so very heavy, and things were too bright to bear. _Maybe I can... _Denki shook himself. No. Not again. But what was the point of going back there? _Do what he told me to do all that time ago. _Denki felt himself get up, shuddering on shaking legs. As his body dragged itself to the edge of the rood, it felt like he was in some sort of dream. The wind whipped through his hair, and the city of Musutafu lay beneath him, like some giant glittering crustacean. Far away the purple hues blended into the dark night sky.

_Is this the world I deserve to live in? _Denki was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of feeling that crashed over him. Pain, sadness, frustration. His chest tightened, and his heartbeat loudly. His lungs were gasping for air.

_Do I even want to feel all this anymore? _No. He didn't.

He forced his feet up onto the ledge. This was it. Just one last step. He prepared himself, taking one last deep breath when he heard a cry behind him.

"Denki wait!" It was agonized, and female. Dimly he registered that it was his first name.

Denki gazed at the skyline for a second, tears pricking the corner of his eyes, throat suddenly very dry. And then he turned.

Jirou stood behind him, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her jacks were suspended in the air, just inches away from his body.

"C- can you come down?" She asked, softly.

Denki looked at her confusedly for a moment. "Why?" he asked, letting a dry little chuckle escape from his throat.

"What do you mean why? Why are you doing this?" Jirou asked desperately, jacks reaching a little bit closer. She was trying, but she was also so very afraid.

"I don't need to be here. All I do is need protecting, so," Denki tried to shrug lightly, but it failed.

"Kaminari," Jirou took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second. "Why don't you come down, and we can talk about this here?"

"I'm useless, aren't I?" Denki saw Jirou open her mouth, and then waved her away. "No, don't worry about that. I can never save people, no matter how much I try. I'm useless and dumb, and however, you look at it, a liability." The word tasted like a wound on his tongue.

"No! Denki, you help me!" Jirou cried out. "You help all of us! You're training to be a hero too, remember?"

"A hero," Denki said slowly. "A hero should pay for his crimes."

"Wha- what crimes? Never mind, Denki, come down from there now!"

"Say sorry to everybody for me," Denki said, turning back, purpose clouding his heart.

He took another breath when his thoughts were interrupted by a soft whisper behind him.

"Why? Because I love you." Down on the pavement, the trees rippled in an unseen wind.

He turned back incredulously. Jirou rubbed her arms around herself, blushing furiously. "I've liked you for a long time, okay? You make everybody smile, and you're a happy person, and you're not supposed to... please... please don't go." Jirou started sobbing.

Denki felt as though the breath had been sucked out from his lungs. "What?" he said, voice cracking.

Jirou wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry if I teased you or made you feel bad or anything, I didn't know, I'm so sorry, please don't do it!"

"I-I..." Denki was speechless. Here was the girl he had been crushing on for a long time hopelessly, and she was sobbing her eyes out in front of him. He had made her do this. "I'll come down, okay?"

Jirou sucked in a breath. "D-denki."

"I'll come down now, and I'll tell everybody why, and I'll try harder. Somehow I will. I'll do it for you Kyoka, I promise!"

Jirou held out her hand. "Then come," she said, smiling through her tears. "You can talk to me about it later, okay?"

"Yeah, I-" Denki said, taking a step. He felt Jirou's eyes widen as his foot snagged on the corner of the ledge, as the ground gave out underneath him, and then he was falling.


End file.
